Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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