My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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