Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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