I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
