Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
