The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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