How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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