the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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