Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
