hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
