so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
