I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
