today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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