good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
