Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
