So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
