i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
there is puke in my bra ... again
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
