There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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