I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
