How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
