the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize