sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
