nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Randomize