Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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