Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
