please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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