So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
pray to the hookup gods
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
