You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
she peed on how many people?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
