You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
