It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
