I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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