I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
