life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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