The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
