I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
