you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
