dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
