I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
