Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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