I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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