I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
