when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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