How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
