WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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