well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
