dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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