yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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