Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize