So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
