Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
