She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
