id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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