He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
