I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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