It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
