I'm eating all of the evidence.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
