she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Randomize
