you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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