Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
