Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
