she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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