I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
